Let’s talk about something that nobody really tells you about awakening – it’s not just about what you start doing differently. It’s also about what you stop doing.
As I’ve been on this journey, I’ve realized that some of the biggest shifts haven’t come from adding new spiritual practices or positive habits (though those help). The real change has come from recognizing and releasing patterns that were keeping me stuck in my old life.
These weren’t just minor bad habits like biting my nails or scrolling social media before bed. I’m talking about deep, unconscious patterns that were running my entire life without me even knowing it.
The Invisible Programming Running Your Life
Here’s something wild to think about: most research suggests that our core beliefs and perceptions are installed in us before we’re even seven years old. We absorb them from the adults around us, who got them from the adults around them, and on and on it goes.
It’s like we’re all running on software that someone else installed, and most of us never even question if the program is serving us.
These patterns become so familiar that they feel like “just the way life is” or “just who I am.” Breaking free takes something pretty dramatic – for me, it was the repeated pain of ending up in the same frustrating situations over and over again.
My Biggest Pattern: The People-Pleasing Prison
If I had to name the most damaging pattern I’ve broken free from, it would be people-pleasing and having weak boundaries. This was the mother of all my other unhealthy patterns.
I spent most of my life putting everyone else’s needs, wants, and feelings above my own. I’d say yes when I wanted to say no. I’d accommodate others at my own expense. I’d silence my own needs to avoid conflict.
The worst part? I didn’t even realize I was doing it. It felt normal to me, like breathing. I thought that’s what it meant to be a good person – to sacrifice yourself for others.
What I didn’t understand was that this pattern wasn’t just hurting me – it was actually hurting my relationships too. When you don’t show up authentically, nobody gets to connect with the real you. And when you’re always giving from an empty cup, resentment eventually builds.
The moment that really triggered my awareness was when I found myself, yet again, drained and used after a relationship where I had given everything. That’s when I finally asked myself: “Where did I go wrong here?” That question changed everything.
The Trap of Emotional Manipulation
The hardest thing about breaking the people-pleasing pattern was that I couldn’t figure out why I kept falling back into it. I’d make promises to myself that “next time will be different,” but then I’d find myself right back in the same dynamic.
The breakthrough came when I realized what was really happening: emotional manipulation. The people who benefited from my people-pleasing weren’t just passively accepting my generosity – they were actively manipulating my emotions to keep me in that role.
If I tried to set a boundary, they’d make me feel guilty. If I stood up for my needs, they’d act hurt or disappointed. And when I tried to distance myself? That’s when the deeper emotional manipulation would begin. I’ve had multiple people in my past threaten to harm themselves when I was trying to create distance. Talk about a powerful way to keep someone trapped in a relationship they want to leave.
Once I could see this dynamic clearly, it became easier to break free. But even then, I wasn’t fully immune…
The Two-Steps-Forward, One-Step-Back Dance
Remember in my first blog post when I mentioned how I thought I’d finally learned the lesson about people-pleasing and boundaries? And then I immediately fell into another situation with the same pattern?
Yeah, that sucked. I essentially wasted over a year in relationships I didn’t want to be in because I was manipulated from the very beginning. It felt like I’d taken five steps forward in my awakening journey, only to take three steps back.
Looking back, I can see all the red flags that were there from day one. There was this coworker who kept pushing to hang out outside of work. I kept saying no, but they persisted until they created an event I finally said yes to. And just like that, I was back in the pattern.
This is what makes breaking free from these deep patterns so challenging – they’re sneaky. They don’t announce themselves. They disguise themselves as normal social interactions, as friendships, as opportunities. It’s only when you’re knee-deep in the same old feelings that you realize you’ve fallen back into the trap.
The Ripple Effect: When Your Change Changes Everything
Here’s something nobody warns you about: when you start breaking your patterns, you automatically disrupt other people’s patterns too. And they usually don’t like that.
Let’s say you decide you want to start eating healthier. Sounds simple enough, right? But if your partner is used to sharing fast food meals with you every night, your change threatens their comfortable routine. Without even realizing it, they might start undermining your efforts – bringing home your favorite treats, complaining about the new foods, making it harder for you to stick with your decision.
Or maybe you want to stop drinking and partying, but your entire social circle is built around those activities. Suddenly, choosing your new path means potentially losing your friends.
A lot of people aren’t okay with losing the people around them who are still living in the old patterns. But here’s the hard truth I’ve had to accept: it’s nearly impossible to grow into a new you when the people around you keep trying to pull you back into who you used to be.
The ancient wisdom of letting go isn’t just some spiritual concept – it’s a practical necessity if you want to truly change.
The Freedom on the Other Side
When I finally broke free from that people-pleasing pattern, my entire life changed for the better. It wasn’t just about having more time or energy (though that happened too). It was about finally being able to focus on myself.
For so long, I couldn’t be who I wanted to be or do what I wanted to do because I was always getting sucked into what others wanted. Breaking that pattern was like finally taking the driver’s seat in my own life.
I started experiencing love for my life in a way I never had before. I found peace. I began enjoying simple moments. And ironically, I developed more respect and love for the people who remained in my life because I wasn’t constantly drained by unhealthy relationships.
I went from sleepwalking through life – getting pulled into everyone else’s patterns, insecurities, and unmet needs – to intentionally creating my life every day. I’m able to stay awake now, to make conscious choices rather than just reacting to the pulls and pressures around me.
New Practices for Pattern-Breaking
So what replaced the old habits? For me, it’s been about becoming extremely present and mindful in daily life. I’ve had to learn to slow down and really observe my thinking and emotional responses.
Now when I meet new people, I’m very selective. I tune into what I’m experiencing internally, because I’ve learned that my body often recognizes red flags before my conscious mind does. In the past, I’d ignore those subtle warning signals, but now I pay attention to them.
I believe if everyone could slow down and become really intentional, all our lives would improve dramatically. We wouldn’t be acting out of our insecurities and unmet needs because we’d be aware of them. We’d be responding consciously rather than reacting automatically.
The Challenge of Habit-Shifting
I’ve found it’s always easier to add new positive habits than to remove harmful ones. Adding something new is exciting and motivating. Stopping an ingrained pattern requires constant vigilance.
The moment you fall back into old habits, you’re giving up the new ones you’re trying to create. You really have to become aware of every moment so you can recognize the gap between stimulus and response – that tiny window where you have the power to choose differently.
Here’s an example: Let’s say you’ve been eating healthy for five days. On day five, you’ve had a rough day at work where you felt unappreciated. On your way home, you get that familiar urge to stop for comfort food as a reward or consolation.
If you’re not living in the present moment, you’ll follow that urge automatically. But if you’re aware, you’ll recognize: “Oh, it’s my emotions that want me to stop and treat myself. This is just a temporary feeling.”
Once you recognize that gap, you can challenge the impulse rather than automatically giving in to the immediate gratification of a temporary emotion.
The more you resist these momentary emotional pulls, the more self-respect and confidence you develop. Each time you choose your higher path over instant gratification, breaking patterns becomes a little easier.
For Those Feeling Stuck in Patterns
I don’t think there’s any perfect advice I can give to someone who recognizes they’re stuck in a pattern but feels afraid to break free. Everyone’s journey is unique, and what worked for me might not work for you.
What I do believe in is asking the right questions. If I met someone stuck in the people-pleasing cycle, I might ask:
✧ What makes this other person more important than you?
✧ Why do they deserve to get their way but you don’t?
✧ Is there anyone in your life who’s going to put you first if you don’t?
The answer to that last question is simple: that person is you. You are the only one who can consistently put your own well-being first. Everyone else has their own priorities, needs, and patterns.
Breaking free from limiting patterns isn’t selfish – it’s necessary. It’s like what they say on airplanes: put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others. When you’re running on empty, you have nothing genuine to give anyway.
The Continuous Awakening
Breaking patterns isn’t a one-and-done process. I’m still discovering layers of conditioning and automatic behaviors that don’t serve me. The difference now is that I’m awake enough to see them.
Each pattern I break creates more space for my authentic self to emerge. And that authentic self is so much more capable, loving, and present than the automatic, people-pleasing version ever was.
So I invite you to look at your own life with fresh eyes. What patterns might be running on autopilot? What habits have become so familiar that you don’t even question them anymore? What might be possible if you broke free?
What’s one pattern in your life that keeps leading to the same unsatisfying results?
This week, when you feel yourself automatically reacting to a situation, pause for just three seconds before responding. Notice if there’s a familiar pattern at play, and see if you can choose differently, even in a small way.
Glow for it 
Leave a comment